So soon.

I’m flying to New York on Friday, returning Monday the ninth, a week plus a few days later. The first time traveling back to my home this year. I’ve hardly stopped talking about how long I’ve been away from New York since I left just before Christmas. I’m, like, tired of talking about it.

It’s kind of like when I fall for a girl, actually (which is all the time). I become obsessed, trying to find out everything I can about her (I’m real good at Facebook). The default reaction to that is “stalker” I guess but hey, I just want to know more about what’s on my mind. My intentions are never malicious. It’s like discovering a cool new band and then acquiring their discography.

Anyway, after a few days I usually burn out. Suddenly I’m no longer interested in her. It’s rarely that I learned too much, or learned things I didn’t like; it’s just that I thought about her too much.

New York is kind of like that girl right now. Or maybe just this particular trip. When I flew to California I was planning to return in May. I had a pretty solid semblance of a job lined up, I planned out an elaborate interim housing plan while I would have searched for an apartment. Almost six months ago now. The amount of extra time I’ve been here has nearly outweighed the originally-planned trip.

“When are you coming back?” “So soon.” Not that people have necessarily been clamoring to see me again (and not that they haven’t) but I’ve been answering that question with some variation of that response for SUCH A LONG TIME. I’m sick of it.

Every few months I check Craigslist for some nice apartments. I always find good stuff. I’m—fuck. I’m just sick of planning and it’s ruined the whole thing.

I still want to be in New York as opposed to California but God, even saying it here makes me sick. It sounds so trite.

I started writing this because I wanted to vent my frustration at not actually having tickets for my flight in two days yet but now I feel even worse! And I still don’t have a sure means of transportation or lodging while I’m there!

Also my friends. Nearly everyone I want to mention right now will possibly read this so I can’t actually say anything so I should omit this paragraph altogether, but—actually I don’t know what I’m getting at. I’ve grown a lot closer to some people very recently, some just because I haven’t spoken to them in close to a year and others just because that’s what’s happening.

But I also feel terrible for being a nuisance to the people who will hopefully be lending me their floors and bathrooms next week. I don’t know for sure that any of them are even the slightest bit annoyed by my asking, but I hate relying on people (surprise!) and it follows that I imagine they hate me relying on them. Hopefully they don’t! (They do.)

This is a real dour handful of words, here. Whoops. I keep trying to remind myself that I will feel so much better after I’ve spent some time away. I’m trying to use euphemisms now because I really can’t bear to describe the trip, though I’m using all my might to remember how much I love the destination.

Also money. I skipped out on my detour to Ohio because it was going to be a damn lot more money than flying straight to JFK. That worked out okay but if I end up paying that total anyway just because I fucked up I will be so upset with myself.

I also keep trying to remind myself that if I would just get my fucking work done I could start making money again. It’s handy that my cost of living right now is extremely close to zero but as of this exact moment I have zero income regardless of how bright my horizon is. But there is so little standing between me and solid new money and why the fuck can’t I get myself to understand that and just do the things I need to do now to catch myself up so I can start branching out? I have more than enough money right now to have a comfortable week away but I still want to make another, more permanent trip before Christmas and I have so much to do, financially, to prepare for that. Not to mention that my credit, while nearly flawless, probably isn’t good enough to be worthy of a lease for some reason? That’s what I’ve been told. I don’t understand it.

HEY THANKS FOR NOTHING, BLOG POST